


My lady

by Drago



Category: Block B, DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, w-inds., 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: ? - Freeform, AU, Alternative Universe - Monarchy, Crack, F/M, I'm slightly sorry, Jiho is a dick, Keita is a king, Knights - Freeform, M/M, Namjoon is in love, Roylty, Ryohei owns the world, Ryuichi as a prince, Yoongi Is So Done, Yunho and Changmin are knights, alternative universe, and ugly, everyone is a dick, jiho is also a slut, this makes no sense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 02:01:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7462269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drago/pseuds/Drago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PART TWO ADDED.<br/>King Namjoon is looking for a husband. What he finds instead, is Woo Jiho. God help him.</p><p>It's crack. Pure crack, okay. </p><p> </p><p>King Keita loses a wife, prince Ryuichi helps him cope while Yunho and Changmin are knights who struggle to make their relationship work.<br/><a href="http://oi64.tinypic.com/2lvbebc.jpg">Click</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Summary is a bit of a lie, yeah?

The palace is bustling with life in preparation for the ball. Servants are running around trying to make sure that everything is spotless. It’s king’s birthday, and the last thing everyone wants is to anger their ruler. With so many people invited Ryuichi is sure that no one will take much notice of him, but his servants insist on making him look beautiful. His sleek, black hair curls around his face, softly brushing against his full cheeks. He is dressed in a form-fitting, navy suit which perfectly follows the curves of his body. He…  
„You do know I’m a man, right?”  
“Yes, my lady,” the young servant is quick to nod in agreement. Ryuichi sighs and starts pulling down his trousers. The servant screeches before excusing himself and fleeing the scene. Yunho keeps staring at him impassively from his corner, although Ryuichi knows that the knight has something to say by the way his cute little mouth is twitching. It’s almost imperceptible, but it is there. Yunho has a lot more sass than other people think. But Ryuichi _knows_ everything there is to know about his guard. Everything.  
“Showing everyone your private parts is not something your etiquette teacher would approve of, my lady,” Yunho says with respect.  
“But I’m a man, and everyone calls me a ‘lady’. I have a dick. And balls. How unusual for a man! I don’t even wear dresses that often, so why can’t you all just drop it?”  
“I’m not sure, my lady.”  
Ryuichi is getting hyped up to start a rant when Keita enters the room. Yunho straightens even more. How he can achieve that, the Japanese will never know.  
“Did you flash another servant?” Keita asks exasperated.  
“Maybe,” Ryuichi mumbles.  
“Stop doing that!”  
“I will when they stop calling me a lady!”  
“But everyone does that?” Keita sounds genuinely confused, as if he can’t see anything unusual.  
“Oh. My. God!” Ryuichi is sure he can see a small smile pulling at his knight’s lips, but he is too busy throwing pillows at Keita to confront him about it. At least his guard learned not to interfere even though technically speaking Ryuichi is attacking his king. He never does any real damage anyway. Keita, of course, has only ten minutes before he has to go back to whatever kings do. Same old story.  
Halfway through the ball it becomes obvious that it’s going to be the most discussed event of the year. Everyone is so beautiful that Ryuichi is sure he is going to go blind from all that shine. Talking a lot without saying anything meaningful is one of his talents, which is extremely useful when you are a prince. He is not the most important prince out there, but he is important enough for people to want to talk to him. He loathes these occasions, and Yunho is the only saving grace. They keep exchanging mean comments about, well, almost everyone. Ryuichi had five flutes of champagne and a little bit of sake. By a little bit he means two thirds of a bottle. But it’s a small bottle. Small-ish. He is not the only one getting drunk though, by the end of a ball the king, queen and guards will be the only sober people.  
“Changmin looks very hot today,” he slurs gracefully, eyeing king Keita’s main guard. “Very fuckable.”  
“My lady!”  
“You should fuck him. I know you want it. We all do. And he wants that too. Oh hey, did that rhyme? It did!”  
“You’re truly brilliant, my lady,” there might be a hint of sarcasm in Yunho’s voice, but Ryuichi is too… distracted, to notice.

For most part, Yunho doesn’t mind serving prince Ryuichi. He is kind, intelligent and funny, and he never ordered anyone to be killed which is a definite improvement on what Yunho used to see in his previous kingdom. The prince can be irrational at times, but that’s true for most people. Only it usually doesn’t affect Yunho much. In Ryuichi’s case… He might be a knight, but he is still a servant, so what Ryuichi wants, Yunho does. This is why his hair is so long that it almost make him look like a woman. Both of them have long hair because the prince thinks it looks pretty on them. Which is true, but sometimes it makes knight’s life difficult.  
Ryuichi also has a penchant for embarrassing him in front of Changmin who is a very attractive young man. Not that young, only two years younger, but they’re all pretty young. His prince doesn’t seem to have any brain to mouth filter around king Keita’s guard which would be understandable if he had a crush on Changmin, but that’s not the case.  
“I just really want the two of you to bang,” Ryuichi moans from where he is trying to resurrect after a whole night of drinking. It also could be explained if the prince at least wanted to watch for the viewing pleasure. Which he doesn’t. It’s completely selfless and utterly embarrassing.  
Maybe it’s because Ryuichi’s love life is a bit of a mess. He loves their king who is married to queen Aya. It almost would be better if it was an unrequited love, but Keita loves Ryuichi back. The prince is kept as a sort of a back-up for when the queen dies. Just thinking about it gives Yunho a headache. He will take his problems over rich people problems anytime.  
Truth to be told, Yunho doesn’t do much. His responsibilities boil down to looking mildly threatening and listening to whatever his prince has to say. He considers himself a pretty good knight, he is definitely one of the best swordsmen in the court, but he doesn’t really get to prove himself – Ryuichi is very much against pointless fighting. That, and the fact that his prince can take down men twice his size and has a sword and a gun of his own, which he doesn’t hesitate to use. Protecting someone like that seems a little pointless, but every prince must have a guard.  
Life in the Kingdom of Japan is incomparably better than what he had in the Kingdom of Korea. His family has been slaughtered when he was only five, and if it weren’t for king Keita’s father he would be leading his life as one of king Soo Man’s whores. Despite his preferences, he just wouldn’t be a very good whore.

***

_Huge tragedy has happened in the Kingdom of Japan. While the wife of our beloved king, queen Aya, has been traveling her entourage has been attacked by a dragon. The whole country is deep in mourning, and…_  
“WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT,” Ryuichi shouts over his personal servant reading the official statement released by the palace which he hasn’t seen before. “DRAGONS DON’T EVEN EXIST.”  
“Maybe it was just one, lonely dragon, my lady” Yunho suggests, cringing the whole time.  
“Right, what’s next? Fairies? Leprechauns? AND I’M NOT A LADY.”  
The knight shrugs because he knows as much, if not less, than his prince. It also doesn’t matter what he thinks, he isn’t royalty, so the sudden death of queen Aya doesn’t concern him. She seemed kind enough, but he never even spoke to her.  
They are all told to wear black for dinner, yet king Keita doesn’t seem overly sad about the fact that his wife died in a terrible accident. In fact, he doesn’t mention his wife at all, so no one else dares to ask. At least until the unexpected guest joins them. King Ryohei doesn’t rule over one kingdom, he rules over the whole world, and Yunho’s bow is so deep that it feels like he will never be straight again. Not that he is very straight, right.  
King Ryohei is a man of a small stature but of a big personality, or at least that’s what the gossips say. The way he sits next to Ryuichi makes him seem pretty laid-back for someone who owns the world. The snapback doesn’t help.  
“So I heard that you lost queen Aya to a dragon?” King Ryohei casually asks.  
“Yes, my King.”  
“That’s tragic,” the King deadpans, and Ryuichi gapes at him.  
“But dragons don’t exist!” he blurts out. Screw etiquette, he’s known Ryohei ever since he was a child.  
“I am sure that this one exists. I think I know him. He drives a Chevrolet, and his name is Tanaka.”  
Oh. That makes much more sense than the story their subjects were told. Queen Aya… now just Aya, must have ran away with her lover. Judging from king Keita’s reaction he must have known, he might have even helped her do it. The dragon story is a bit over the top, but simple people do love their drama.  
In the evening Yunho and Changmin are told to wait outside king Keita’s bedroom. They exchange worried looks when the fighting begins, and Yunho almost interferes when he hears that someone, presumably prince Ryuichi, starts throwing things that very obviously break when they collide with walls.  
When the sounds of making out and then sex reach their ears Yunho prays they will finish soon. He can’t leave, he is still on duty. It’s the longest night of his life because his boner simply refuses to give him a break. It doesn’t help that Changmin smells like something he wants to put in his mouth.

There is a mourning period of forty nine days before Keita and Ryuichi can marry. For regular people it should be about a year, but king can’t live without a wife, especially when he has a child to care for. Also, Aya is alive, so no one is going to bother with waiting a year, come on.  
The preparations start, and it’s all going smoothly until Ryuichi gets shot. In hindsight, they probably should have told Aya’s brother that she didn’t die because it had to be a bit of a shock for him to come back and discover that his sister is dead, and her husband is already planning a wedding. No one saw it coming. Yuho is supposed to be able to predict things like that, but he failed and his honour is tarnished.  
They were supposed to go horse riding, something they both excel at, when Aya’s brother appeared out of nowhere, armed with a somewhat outdated revolver. He was shouting obscenities and insulting prince’s virtue. He aimed at Yunho first because he already had a gun in his hand, but Ryuichi covered the knight with his own body. By the time other guards reached them Yunho was crying over his prince’s small body.  
King Keita doesn’t take the news very well. Yunho watches him smash every lamp in the room. He feels faint, the weather is hot and humid, and his king might decide to execute him soon. Not that…  
“Last words!” the king roars, eyes blazing. “Tell me his last words!”  
“B…but. They were meant for me, my king. There is no need to…”  
“I’m your king, and you shall obey me!”  
Yunho bows then, completely petrified. He’s never seen or heard king Keita act like that. Usually, he is a very calm man with a soothing voice and a peculiar laugh.* To see him like this… The knight lowers his gaze, not wanting to accidentally meet Changmin’s eyes when he mutters, “Prince Ryuichi said, ‘please fuck ‘Min’.”  
The room is so quiet that he can hear a fly cleaning its legs. King’s lips are pressed into a tight, tight line, his voice stern when he says, “Then you should do just that. Changmin, take him to your room.”  
Changmin blinks at them owlishly, ears slowly turning red. Yunho wants to die, but instead he yells, “But prince Ryuichi isn’t dead! It’s just a graze!”  
And it is. Aya’s brother is either a very lousy shot or the recoil was really bad. One way or another, he grazed prince’s stomach without doing any real damage. The wounded man pretended to be more hurt for the sake of drama.  
“It was his last wish which you shall fulfill.”  
“But…”  
"No buts! Well, maybe a bit of a butt…” king Keita cracks a smile then, but Yunho finds it difficult to appreciate.

He’s never seen Changmin’s room before. It's of the same size as his, but cleaner and sparsely furnished. He wants to snoop around, but that would make everything even more awkward, and they already are sitting there like two virgins. Yunho isn’t a virgin, but admittedly, the younger man might be.  
“Um, maybe we should… you know? Have… fuck?” he suggests staring at the collection of swords which is on display.  
“I know about the celibacy thing, so we can pretend.”  
“What celibacy thing?”  
“Heechul told me that you swore to, uh, never do it?” Changmin sounds like he might be choking.  
“Wait, what?! That’s not true. Why would you believe him?”  
“He is your best friend!”  
Changmin is obviously trying to stare him down, and suddenly Yunho feels too hot. He blurts out, “He told me you are in love with princess Aya.”  
“WHAT?!”  
Apparently Heechul is a bit of a joker and a lot of a dick. Instead of helping Yunho’s love life he made sure to make is as difficult as possible. Maybe he wanted to force them to talk, but that’s a silly idea. Men don’t talk. They growl and grunt to look like the manliest of all creatures.  
It doesn’t matter now. They profess the undying love to one another, and then Changmin proceeds to fuck him into every flat surface they can find without leaving the room. They do it until the sun rises, and prince Ryuichi demands their presence. They arrive just in time to witness a girl no older than sixteen running away and screaming, her face crimson. They both know all too well what it means, prince Ryuichi flashed someone again.  
Their prince doesn’t even want to talk to them. He tells them to sit in front of him, and he stares. He looks so smug that Yunho wants to crawl under the closest bed and stay there forever.  
After half an hour of extremely uncomfortable silence Changmin dares to ask, “How exactly does one become King of the world?”  
“Oh. In a dance-off. They have one every few years, Ryohei slays them all.”  
“How is that possible? There are many talented dancers. Young dancers. My lady,” the knight remembers to add this time.  
“Don’t worry about it, he doesn’t age.”  
“What?” Yunho chokes on his water.  
“He doesn’t age. He is like hundred years old and still looks like a teenager.”  
“Impossible, my lady!”  
“It’s magic, what can you do,” Ryuichi smiles at them sweetly before adding, “You wanna see a different magic trick involving my dick again? ‘Cause I’ll force you to watch if you don’t stop with the ‘my lady’ bullshit.”

 

*King Keita does not laugh like regular humans do. His laugh is a relatively short string of overly pronounced ‘Ha. Ha. Has'.


	2. My King

In terms of height, King Taeil is not, by any means, an imposing figure. His subjects praise his pale complexion, long, elegant neck, thin wrists and slim figure. King’s crown is made of pure gold and a little too big on him, but no one says a thing. Unlike other kings, he doesn’t drive a Lamborghini, but a Mini, which delights his subjects, making them feel like he is one of them. They think it’s adorable when he needs help with getting out of a carriage, men rushing to his side to earn his approval.  
King Taeil is really fucking short, okay, and his legs don’t even reach the ground when he is sitting on a throne. There, that’s the truth.  
“We have a problem,” the king says, and everyone in the hall falls silent, listening to their beloved monarch. It wouldn’t do to anger him. “The borders between our kingdom and king Namjoon’s are restless, I’ve been informed of a possibility of an attack.”  
“But aren’t we stronger?” Yukwon asks.  
“It’s not a matter of being strong or not. I just don’t want a war, nothing good ever comes out of it,” someone gasps, hearing their king’s wise words. “And it’s expensive.”  
“Namjoon is a pus… ah,” Jiho yelps when Kyung kicks him and hisses, _show some respect!_ , “Anyways, he won’t do a thing.”  
“No, he won’t, because I will give him what he wants from us. It’s not a high price to pay for peace, and I’m sure all of you will agree with me. King Namjoon wishes to marry, but he didn’t find a perfect candidate in his kingdom. Instead, he asked for the hand of our talented bard.”  
Everyone turns their heads to stare at said bard. Someone tries to stifle a snicker, but doesn’t quite manage. The bard is pale, eyes wide open, he looks like he might keel over any second now. Then, he erupts, “I’M NOT GOING TO MARRY NAMJOON, HE IS FUCKING UGLY.”  
“Language!” Minhyuk scolds him.  
“No!” the bard shouts like a petulant child. “You can’t just hand me over, I’m a person not a thing!”  
“I can, and I will. I’m your king, and we are talking about the safety of our kingdom. Sometimes, we all have to make sacrifices, Jiho.”  
“What if he asked about Jihoon or Jaehyo? Would you send them?”  
King Taeil doesn’t even hesitate. “Well, no,” then, after a pause, he adds, “but I still like you, and I really enjoyed your wit. You are leaving tomorrow.”  
Jiho has to be be escorted out by three guards who also have to make sure he doesn’t run away. Minhyuk is tasked with packing his belongings and accidentally forgets half of it, but it’s not like it matters since the younger man will soon have a very rich husband.  
In the morning, Jiho’s hair looks decidedly more burnt and orange than it was the day before. His entourage politely ignores it, more than aware that it’s not going to put King Namjoon off. It’s Namjoon, he can’t really complain about the bard not being pretty enough. The entourage consists of Yukwon and Minhyuk because they don’t really do anything anyway, Kyung, who is supposed to ensure that Jiho doesn’t do too much damage, and Jihoo because the youngest man thinks Jiho might need some emotional support.  
The flight to the other half of the Korea isn’t very long, but it’s long enough to almost drive them mad because fifteen minutes after the take off, Jiho started singing sad, melancholic songs about ugly kings and the cruelty of life. They are all screwed, there is no denying it.

King Namjoon has done many questionable things, but this might be the worst one yet, Yoongi thinks, as he watches three men struggling to make the fourth one walk. The orange-haired man is trying very hard to escape them. It must be Woo Jiho. They’ve never met before, but King Namjoon told him all about the first meeting with the bard, who didn’t recognize the king. They talked for less than five minutes, Jiho managed to insult Namjoon twice, and the king… Well, he fell in love.  
“Welcome to the Kingdom of Korea,” he greets the newcomers when they finally reach him. Up-close, Jiho is really pretty. His face is a bit too big, but he has beautiful eyes and lips that beg to be kissed. Too bad they also look ready to spit insults right and left.  
“Funny, we just came from the Kingdom of Korea,” one of the men says, and Yoongi tries to remember his name. Ah, Yukwon, that’s it.  
“And yet,” he gives them a big smile that feels foreign on his face. He should stop trying, it’s a lost cause.  
“Hi!” someone shouts excitedly, and Yoongi recognizes Taehyung’s voice even before he comes into his field of view. “Jiho! We’ve met before!”  
Jiho squints at the younger man. Then he almost smiles in recognition. Almost, but not quite, and it becomes obvious why when the bard snaps his fingers and says, “Taehyung! You sucked my cock once!”  
Yoongi can feel the headache approaching. Of course Jiho isn’t a virgin. He doesn’t look like one, but looks can be deceiving and there is always _some_ hope. Usually, it wouldn’t matter, but king Namjoon is very much a virgin, so it’s a pity that his chosen one isn’t as well.  
“Could you not discuss your trysts in the open? Or, preferably, anywhere at all?” he realizes he made a mistake the second he finishes talking, Jiho has a mischievous glint in his eye, and Yoongi knows that they will be hearing a lot about what, how and with whom the other man got off.  
“I will show you to your rooms. You can refresh before meeting the King.”  
He doesn’t mention that Namjoon has been talking his ear off the whole morning. At least until Yoongi reminded him that he shouldn’t expect much since he is basically enslaving the bard. Kings used to do it all the time, back in the day, but it’s not that common anymore.  
Half an hour later he is leading them to the hall where Namjoon is expecting them. They all clean up nicely, apart from the tall kid, and Jiho is wearing a bit of eyeliner. Yoongi doubts he put it on himself, but it’s nice that at least one of them is showing some effort. It’s unnecessary, the king would like Jiho dirty and in rags, but they don’t need to know that. God knows Yoongi would rather not know that.  
“Finally! My beauty is here!” Namjoon exclaims, completely ignoring the protocol. Okay, so he is the king, but there are rules. One day, Yoongi is going to leave, he already found a nice spot in the mountains. Just him and the goats. “Jiho, my love.”  
“Oh Christ, you didn’t get any prettier,” the orange-haired man groans. Yukwon smacks him.  
“Please don’t hurt him,” the king says, “there is nothing I want more than for my beloved to be honest with me.”  
Oh. My. God. Yoongi is officially done. Whatever happens to Namjoon will be his own fault, his hands are as clean as they can be when you are the king’s adviser. 

“So he has nice digs,” Minhyuk awkwardly comments while Jiho is busy fuming in the corner. He was forced to sign the marriage documents already. The official wedding is in a week, but the king insisted on signing the certificate today. Probably because he realized that Jiho was trying really hard to find the way out. Now, he can’t do anything.  
“I like his subjects, they seem nice,” Jihoon adds.  
“I fucked Taehyung, Jungkook, Jimin and Seokjin, they are okay,” Jiho says from his spot. Everyone turns to stare at him because…  
“What the fuck?” Kyung asks.  
“They visited last year.”  
“They did, but they were in our country two days. How.”  
The bard shrugs and opens his mouth to provide more details, but the other men decide that no, they don’t really want to know how. Or why.  
“Is there anyone you didn’t fuck in this castle?”  
“Yeah, like. The king, ‘cause he ugly. Yoongi and Hoseok because I’ve never met them before. And I probably didn’t fuck the cook, some of the guards...”  
“Oh, wow,” Yukwon deadpans. Jihoon’s face is so red that he looks like he is going to burst any second now.  
“Let’s change the subject! What are you going to wear to the wedding? I didn’t see what you picked,” Kyung asks, praying that it’s not a mourning robe.  
It’s not. But it’s also not a traditional wedding attire. Mostly because it’s sparkly and very, very gold. Kyung has no recollection of seeing it before, it’s definitely not something they had in their castle, unless Jiho’s been hiding it. But why would he have something like that? He’s never worn such clothes. He probably stole it from someone. That’s the only explanation. And that’s why no one asks where it came from.  
Jiho is supposed to sleep in Namjoon’s room from now on, but it’s already late, and he hasn’t moved. They all feel sorry for him, they wouldn’t want to be forced to marry someone, but it already happened.  
“Look, at least you are rich now. Man up and go to his room. Just don’t hit him too hard,” Kyung half-orders, half-begs.  
In the end, Minhyuk has to carry Jiho to his new room, kicking and screaming.

The king is waiting for him when Jiho gracelessly falls inside the room after Minhyuk throws him before running away. At least he is dressed, it could’ve been worse. And the bed is pretty big. But even if it wasn’t, he is sure he could make the other man sleep on the floor or maybe on a chair.  
He doesn’t say a word. Instead, he starts putting up a pillow barrier in the middle of a bed. His half is much bigger.  
“Are we not going to, uh, consummate our marriage?” the king asks shyly.  
“You wish, fishface. Try touching me, and I will stab you with your own dick.”  
“What… how..?”  
“Should I show you?”  
“No, no thank you,” Namjoon is awfully polite for someone who just got threatened with his own dick. Jiho can definitely work with it. He counts the ways he can make his new husband suffer and falls asleep with a big smile on his face.  
He wakes up with a scream. Well, not quite. He wakes up feeling warm and cozy, then he opens his eyes and sees Namjoon’s face right in front of his, so close, that their noses are touching. It’s terrifying. Some people look cute when they sleep, even with a bit of drool here and there (fucking Jaehyo), but not Namjoon, that’s for fucking sure. So Jiho screeches like he’s never screeched before. If anyone in the castle wasn’t awake yet, they are now. He also pushes the other man hard enough to make him fall off the bed. That’s what he gets for being himself.  
“I told you, no touching!”  
“But you were the one who moved?”  
“No. Fucking. Touching.”  
“Okay, baby.”  
“And no calling me baby.”  
The king sighs dejectedly, but agrees anyway. Jiho quickly takes his clothes off and then takes his sweet time choosing what he is going to wear. He has zero muscles and body of a fifteen year old boy, but he can tell that Namjoon is salivating, freaking pedo. He even sways his hips a bit, humming ‘U can’t touch this’. When he turns around, finally completely covered, the other man is covering his lap with a pillow. Subtle.  
Jiho comes up to him, grabs the pillow and pulls it away. Then he spends few seconds staring at the erection tenting Namjoon’s boxers. Hmm.  
“Not bad,” he comments before leaving the room.  
On his way to the dining room he spots one of the chambermaids, so he casually leans against the wall with a flirty smile.  
“Did you know that king Namjoon has a monster cock?” he asks, sounding innocent. He bats his eyelashes few more times for a better effect. The maid looks like she is going to have a stroke, so he smiles one last time and continues his search for food. He finds Kyung, Yoongi and Hoseok already eating late breakfast. They are talking about something, completely relaxed and way too close for it to be completely pure. Ha.  
“Stay safe, kids,” he says as he plops down.  
“That’s king Namjoon’s seat,” Hoseok says with a serene smile.  
“Oh really? I don’t see his name written on it.”  
Jiho doesn’t have a job anymore, he doesn’t have to do anything, and that’s plain boring. So he eats his breakfast and then proceeds to terrorize the castle. They have to know that he is there. It turns out that he actually slept with most of the guards because Taeil’s kingdom is a popular holiday spot, and Jiho likes trying new things. It’s a little awkward, especially when Minhyuk has to threaten one of the guards who dares to suggest a secret meeting.  
He can’t do it anymore, he likes his head best when it’s attached to the rest of his body. It doesn’t stop him from rubbing against everything that moves and walks on two legs, like a big cat marking his territory. By the end of the day he told six people about ‘Namjoon’s humongous dick, size of my forearm, I swear’ when Yukwon and Minhyuk weren’t around, and convinced everyone that he is the one in charge. He also learned that Jimin still has a nervous eye tick when he sees him.

***

King Ryohei sent a polite message saying that he is too busy practicing breakdancing to attend the wedding, but king Keita and his wife from the Kingdom of Japan arrive the day before to be well-rested before the main event. Seokjin finds himself in love.  
“She is so beautiful and tiny,” he sighs dreamily, probably imagining all the dirty things they could do.  
“You know that’s a guy, right?” Jihoon asks. Seokjin might be flexible, but it’s probably not fun to be misgendered. “His name is Ryuichi.”  
“That can't be true. Look,” Seokjin finally gets close enough to greet the long-haired beauty. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Korean, my lady.”  
Said beauty glares at him and then swiftly kicks him between the legs. That’s an upgrade, Jihoon heard the smaller man used to flash people.  
“I’m a guy, you di...”  
“Ryuichi, please,” king Keita says softly, and Ryuichi huffs, but doesn’t finish the sentence. When he turns around they all can see a gun in a holster.  
“Oh God, I’m so in love,” Seokjin moans from the ground.  
The next person to get punched is Taehyung, of all people. They are gossi… talking about the guests when Taehyung joins them, eye already swelling. It can’t be Ryuichi’s doing because the Japanese wouldn’t be able to reach this high. Seokjin sighs, lovestruck.  
“What happened?” Kyung asks, hoping it’s not Jiho either.  
“King Keita’s guard punched me!”  
“Changmin? Why?”  
“How the hell do you know everyone’s names?”  
Jihoon pouts and mutters something about being able to use the internet for something other than porn. Jungkook heard it was possible, but he’s never really tried it.  
“I greeted the other guard, the one with a cute face? Just to be polite!”  
“Oh man, don’t talk to Yunho. They are a thing.”  
“I tried to be nice!”  
“Just, like, don’t. Changmin thinks everyone wants to get with his bf.”  
Half of them wouldn’t mind getting off with Yunho, the other half wouldn’t mind having their wicked way with Ryuichi, so maybe there is some truth in that.  
“Did you hear that Namjoon has a humongous dick?” Yukwon asks conversationally.  
“Someone needs to stop Jiho from talking about our King’s nether parts,” Jimin sounds like he is going to throw up.  
“Too late, everyone already knows, he works fast. He even wrote a rap about it and performed it in front of a crowd.”  
“They didn’t even have sex,” Kyung mumbles, petrified. His friend is doing everything to get himself killed. They are all going to get killed, they will die and no one will find their bodies. Oh my God, what if…  
“King Namjoon is cool with it, though. He is so gone on Jiho that he doesn’t care. I saw him nodding along while Jiho rapped.”  
Or maybe not. Maybe they will be okay. Unless Jiho decides to draw a mural representing King’s penis.

On the wedding day, Jiho considers drawing a dick on Namjoon’s face with a sharpie while he sleeps, but he doesn’t think it would make much of a difference and someone would probably tell the other man anyway. Instead, he locks himself in the nicest bathroom and spends there few hours, bathing and applying makeup. He starts with a bit of eyeliner, but then things get out out of hand. He ends up with a smokey eye, red lips and so much highlighter that he could probably navigate ships in the dark. He puts on his gold hanbok and blinds himself temporarily. Then he blinds Minhyuk when the older man comes to collect him. He is gentle this time when he drags Jiho out, mindful of the wedding clothes.  
People gape at him when he enters the church, and he keeps his chin up as he struts down the aisle. Namjoon looks a little better than he usually does, but he isn’t as extra as Jiho. Not now, not ever. He also seems completely smitten, and Jiho can’t decide if he wants the other man to pop a boner or not. On one hand, there will be pictures, and having a boner in a church is highly inappropriate. On the other, it would be so fucking hilarious. He laughs to himself and the priest shushes him.  
“Shush yourself,” he grumbles.  
It’s a very short ceremony, the priest doesn’t even finish asking Jiho if he wants to marry Namjoon before he says yes. They’re already married, he wants it over and done with. When they are told to kiss, he raises his hand to push the other man away, but Namjoon catches it and lovingly kisses his palm. Jiho wants to shiver with disgusts, but he blushes instead. What the fuck, such betrayal from his own body.  
His husband doesn’t try to touch him again when they sit next to each other. Taeil, king Keita and his husband are right next to them, and Jiho accidentally kicks Ryuichi instead of Taeil. The Japanese man doesn’t scold him. He stabs him with a fork and a beautiful smile on his face. It’s not hard enough to break the skin, but it still hurts.  
“I’ve heard that your situation is a bit unusual,” Namjoon turns to Taeil. “Apparently you were chosen by your subjects?”  
“Yeah, I was like… fifth in line to the throne, but they thought I’m cute, so they killed the one who was supposed to be the king. No idea what happened to the remaining three guys.”  
“That’s… hmm.”  
“Gruesome,” Ryuichi chips in, “but at least your subjects are happy now. The last time Yunho was in your country his whole family got murdered.”  
With that, the conversation dies for a while before Taeil, the rat, decides to be too honest. “I knew you wouldn’t attack us, you cherish peace too much, but I felt it would be good for Jiho.”  
“Are you serious right now?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I can’t believe I helped you trick Jihoon’s family into staying with you, I even lied and told them you are a decent guy, ugh. Namjonnie~” Jiho lets his arm brush against his husband’s.  
“Yes, my love?”  
“I want you to declare war on the other Korean Kingdom.”  
“Sure.”  
“What,” Taeil chokes out.  
“What?” Keita adds.  
“What?” Ryuichi repeats after them, not wanting to be outdone.  
“I’ll do it tomorrow,” Namjoon gazes lovingly at his shiny husband.  
“Wait, for real?” Jiho asks because he’s never had this kind of power before, and it turns him on a little bit.  
“Yes, everything for you.”  
“I’m going to make Minho fight!” Taeil threatens. “Minho was Jiho’s little something-something.”  
“Everyone was Jiho’s something-something,” Namjoon seems unfazed.  
“But they were almost engaged!”  
“Hmm. Well. Yoongi! I want Minho’s head on a plate by the end of the month.”  
“No! No murdering my past flings! No war, okay, I was just teasing! Also, fuck you, Taeil. I want everyone to know that he is sleeping with Jihoon AND Jaehyo!”  
“Oh? Kyung is sleeping with Yoongi and Hoseok, why are threesomes so popular lately?” Yukwon asks no one in particular.  
“Threesomes?” Seokjin suddenly perks up and leans towards Ryuichi. “How about a threesome with you, me and Keita? But like, without Keita.”  
“It won’t be a threesome then, though?” Ryuichi asks because apparently, he really wants someone to die. People once believed that it’s not a good wedding unless blood is spilled, but that’s so messy and inconvenient.  
“He will be in our thoughts the whole time.”  
“If you don’t stop hitting on my husband I will slit your throat tonight and let Jiho draw Namjoon’s dick with your blood.”  
Someone lets out a small, terrified laugh.  
Then they have steaks.

 

“At least I’m a king now,” Jiho mumbles into his cup.  
“Noooo, your title is king consort, isn’t it?” Minhyuk corrects him because he is the only one listening. And maybe Jimin, but Jimin still pretends not to recognize him. Too bad, Jiho has fond memories of his butt. It’s a nice butt.  
“No, I’m a king now, Namjoon said it’s okay.”  
The thing is, Jiho had a little too much to drink. Which is fine, it’s his wedding, he is allowed to get trashed. But drunk Jiho equals horny Jiho, and the only person available is his husband. Ew. But he already has a semi, and everyone else is also drunk, so they won’t even notice. Besides, he has to do it, sooner or later. Because Taeil, the midget snake, sold him out. He kicks Namjoon awake, because the big dumbass fell asleep in his chair, and drags him towards their room.  
The things he does for his country. He should be considered a hero. A saint.  
Few minutes later Jiho tilts his head to the left, then to the right, assessing. Namjoon is lying completely naked on the bed naked, cock hard and standing proudly. All Jiho had to do to arouse the other man was to bite his lip. He looks at his own hand, then goes back to staring at the dick. Thank God his hands are big.  
“I shouldn’t have joked about the size of that thing,” he mutters mostly to himself before climbing on the bed and kneeling over Namjoon’s decently muscled body. He can do it. Take a deep breath and think of England. “Do you have a paper bag somewhere around? I still haven’t decided whether I want to look at your face or not.”  
“Jiho,” the King whines, lips twisting unhappily. It’s not a good look on him, but then again, what is.  
The retired bard puts one hand on Namjoon’s chest and uses the other one to hold the thick cock. He lowers himself slowly, and yeah, it burns as much as he expected, but he doesn’t want to stop. He can’t imagine being married and never having sex, it’s the least he can get from this relationship. The title and money are nice too, but Jiho likes sex. A lot.  
He sits there for a while, enjoying the way Namjoon looks at him like he is the most beautiful person he’s ever seen. He likes it. He would never admit it out loud, but he likes it. He’s been desired before, that’s nothing new, women and men look at him like they want to eat him up, but this… This is love, he never had that. It makes him feel powerful.  
He moves. Sways his hips from side to side like he is dancing and not sitting on a thick cock. He knows how to play this game, he is good at it. Namjoon moans, and Jiho smirks.  
“Shh, be quiet, you are making it difficult to imagine it’s someone else under me.”  
He doesn’t expect much of a reaction, but Namjoon squints at him, grabs his hips and flips them over, pinning Jiho to the bed.  
“You are mine, only mine, you will never sleep with another man again,” the king growls and starts fucking into him like he wants to crawl inside. It would be more impressive if he lasted more than fifteen seconds. Virgins, seriously.  
“Just put your fingers in me and jerk me off,” Jiho sighs. He can come like that, he does it all the time, but the angle is a little off when he uses his own fingers.  
It’s cute how hard Namjoon tries to make him cum. He mostly misses the prostate, but he will learn. Hopefully.


End file.
